A lot of people describe me as fearless. That’s not true. I get scared a lot. I’m afraid that I’ll let people down, I’m scared that there’s simply not enough time to make a dent in this world and I’m terrified of my uncertain future. I may be brave… I may be just naive enough to conquer my fears… but I’m not fearless. To be honest, I’m afraid of 2014.
This past year was the best year of my life. I met the most incredible people, embarked on an unforgettable journey, overcame many demons and finally came back to the stage after a long five year break. I was happy, inspired, motivated and loved. And there was so much laughter.
Now, on the eve of a new year, I’m terrified. I feel like Charlie Brown. Can life really stay this good? Is there some sort of expiration date on happiness that I wasn’t aware of? I’ve been fortunate enough to have a good 2013… that means I have to endure some shit in 2014, right?
I’ve been thinking about this all day. Then I remembered… 2013 wasn’t all good. I entered the new year in a state of grief… having nightmares every week. I came home from work crying on more than one occasion and I definitely had days when I couldn’t get out of bed. Mom and Billy got dealt their usual share of phone calls home that end in me sobbing and I got homesick a lot. I faced rejection on more than one occasion and spent many months wondering how the hell I was going to get through the week with only a few bucks in my pocket.
You see, my life never was and never will be perfect. Each year grants us trials and tribulations. It’s up to us to choose which part we’ll remember.
I remember the good. The wine nights, hours spent at Corcorans, bonfires and that one perfect day this past fall with KK and Bimberella. The amazing people who came into my life and taught me how to live in the moment. The auditions I nailed instead of the ones I didn’t. The corner chats after class that only ended because we saw the same creepy van circle the block twice at 2am. Nights spent watching endless hours of Showtime and HBO on our ugly couch. Birthdays, Brett 8 and beer gardens. That time my friends surprised me and bought tickets to my show, which made me so excited that I threw my knee out on stage. Cooperstown nights spent drinking Coors Light on the porch with not a care in the world. You see, this is what 2013 was made of.
Each year comes with joy and heartache. What made this year different was choosing to live in the moment. When life was good, I recognized it. I allowed myself to be happy and wondered if I would ever be as in love with life as I was at that second. When things were bad, I reminded myself that it would only be for a moment in time. I constantly recalled the biblical phrase, “This too shall pass” and didn’t take every hardship as a reflection of the quality of my life. I reminded myself of how blessed I am.
So am I still afraid? Yes. But that’s ok. Live your life in moments… choose to be happy… be nice… be sympathetic. Make 2014 as hard to let go of as 2013 was.