Happiness and hypocrisy.

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I believe in happiness. Firmly, sincerely and with my entire heart.

I believe that we can create happiness. Remind ourselves that we deserve it, rid ourselves of the negativity in our lives and make the conscious decision every single moment to be happy.

That is the whole point of this blog. I’m trying to make happiness a thing.

I created this blog because of a string of posts shared amongst my friends that highlighted why your twenties suck. I hated seeing pessimism go viral and I wanted to combat that. So I thought, hey… maybe people just need to be reminded that they can be happy too. Maybe they need to hear from someone who was depressed and is now happy.

Here’s the truth: I’m a hypocrite. I’m not always happy. Sometimes no matter how hard I try to be happy, I can’t. Sometimes everything is perfect and I still feel like shit.

I’m starting to realize that it’s not one or the other, ya know? If you’re upset, you’re not suddenly this self-indulgent pessimist, and if you’re a happy person, it doesn’t mean that everything is always great. That you can’t breakdown.

I live moment to moment. One second I’m practically bouncing off the walls with joy and then suddenly I have this thought that brings me crashing down. Makes me doubt everything I’ve ever done… that makes me feel like I won’t be okay. Then I bump into someone who fills my heart with joy and suddenly I’m exploding with happiness again. Waves.

I think the difference between who I was when I was depressed and who I am today can be summed up by lyrics from Next to Normal… “You find out you don’t have to be happy at all to be happy you’re alive.”

That’s all the happiness I need, and the happiness I carry with me. I’m happy I’m alive. Every single day. My past gave me a heightened sense of my own mortality and I honestly don’t ever take my life for granted. I’m very aware that I could die at any second, and I love every second that I’m here. Sometimes shit sucks and I’m so unbelievably sad and terrified of the future, but I’m still happy to be alive.

That’s the difference between who I was and who I am. When I was suffering from horrible PTSD, I didn’t really care about living. I was just getting by, disinterested in my surroundings, apathetic, numb… I didn’t want to kill myself but I also didn’t want to live. But after making lifestyle changes, seeking help and making the conscious decision every single day to see the good this world has to offer, I love life. I’m happy to be alive. But that doesn’t mean I always have to be happy.

Choose optimism… but know that it’s still okay to feel pain. Being upset doesn’t mean that you’re turning into an apathetic person. You don’t have to be happy at all to be happy you’re alive.

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